thinking about - changes of perspective

when stuff happens that changes or challenges ability to just do the "regular" everyday boring stuff, I have found that it has made me to reflect on where I am at and where I am going - and the direction I am heading in needs to be rejigged.  Hmmmm....is this easy? NOT!

I was reading yesterday morning something a favourite Christian writer had in a devotional book I occasionally dip into.  The theme of this two page reflection piece was on the difference between "doing" and "being" - shudder! As my eyes are being opened to the direction of my focus, I had to honestly look at the things that drives much of what I do - over the past couple of days, very much at the forefront of awareness I was shown how much I "do" things and that appears to be what is driving me.  I work at a job where I get paid - "doing" for financial means.  Do I like the job? There are aspects I have appreciated, including having a supervisor I really really appreciate.  I work with some really neat people in my department, and have learned a great deal from them all.  BUT! do I know for a solid fact that I am working at what I should be "doing" as it translates into what I want to "be"?  Does the responsibilities and focus translate into encouraging my spiritual walk and relationship with God?  It has been a good time of honest reflection.  One aspect of all this is that I have tried so hard to justify staying in that position - and could list 5+ reasons for remaining there, financial being the #1 reason.  Earning a living is important.  I appreciate the financial compensation to help pay the bills.  BUT! Am I contributing the right amount of encouragement and effort alongside the right attitude? The attitude side of the equation is the area I am having to work on right now.....and having three weeks away that process of evaluation really only started two days ago.

I am thankful for Godly lessons right now.  To be reminded that I need to have my focus primarily on Him - first and always.  An easy transition to put into place?  NOPE.  Worthwhile to do so?  YUP.That God has placed me on leave for a time [not sure for how long] that created a distance from the pressure cooker of work to really reflect on God's call on my life.  I honestly don't know if I am where I should be, but the honestly of my wish to control my life and my willingness to allow God the control of my life has met head-to-head.  Not a bad place to be, and I am trying hard to let go of personal expectations and human selfishness to become more open to what God is calling me to "be".

So where does this put me right now?  First off somewhat confused and a little frightened.  Secondly, thankful that this is happening within a context of recognizing that God is quietly identifying areas that I have not willingly faced and addressed.  Thirdly, learning to be thankful for sooooooo many things, including the fact that He will not leave me stranded by the wayside.  He will show me the next step.  Will that happen overnight?  NOPE.  Will it happen? YES if I am willing to travel down a road that is unfamiliar, but that His protection and guiding is there for me, He is just needing my obedience.   Do I have any idea what changes may be put into place?  NOPE.  Does this scare me? Yes and no.  Yes in that it means to let go of control and allow my Heavenly Father to show me what it looks like from His perspective.  No in that He has a much broader perspective of what is important and where He can use me in a better way.  Will this mean a change of work environment?  Haven't a clue - all I know is that in the next couple of months that there is a lot of closure and completion happening.  Ken finishes his undergraduate BA degree within the next 6 weeks, and goes thru the graduation ceremonies at the end of January.  So, educationally we are not tied down here any longer, but our concern for aging parents is still there.

As I consider what I would like to "be" - hmmmm, it means less focus on how things get done and more on the people - but how that translates, I haven't learned the language yet.  I am not sure if I am quite ready for the changes that may need to be incorporated, partly because I need to let go of what is probably holding me back.

Ah - lots to learn....now off to physio to get some more realignment work done so that I can feel like I am walking properly!